Dumb One-liners That Should’ve Never Made the Script Part I

I’ve mentioned before that in working in retail and transitioning on the job I get a lot of weird comments and stupid questions.  The other title to this post, which I’m sure will become something of a series as I’m sure these aren’t the last dumb things that I’ll hear, is Dumb things Customers and Coworkers say, because honestly it’s always one or the other.

My favorite experience so far that I enjoy retelling is from a coworker who is striving to become a rap artist.  I think that is what makes this all so amusing.  With him wanting to be a world famous rap artist there is some assumption about his state of naivete, or rather the lack of, but you know what they say about assuming and he doens’t need anymore help making an ass of himself as he is already really good at sticking his own foot in his mouth.  I think what is even stranger is that he honestly is just curious and has only good intentions.

When I came out to my coworkers I did it with a stiff upper lip expecting at least some if not a lot of lashback, but to my surprise I was accepted without any preamble.  However that didn’t keep Jay from openning his mouth and there was already a betting pool running at this point as to how Jay would react.  Even with his customers, he is overly blunt and doesn’t seem to understand the concept of sugar coating anything.  If it is then it is and that is all there is.  Why reword anything?

When I cornered him alone finally, I just dropped,” I’m transitioning.”  I already knew that I would have to explain that statement to him.

“Are you going to another store?”

“No, Jay,  I’m becoming a man.”

“Wait so you date guys now?  What about M (my partner)?”

“No, Jay, I am going to grow facial hair and talk in a deep voice.  I am becoming a man.  Just wanted to let you know so it wouldn’t come as a shock when I start talking like James Earl Jones.”

Apparently the later was the right approach because he just started laughing, but then came the battery of questions.  “Wait so your voice is going to get deep like mine?”
 
“Yes, Jay.”

“How?”

sigh “I’m going to start taking hormones.”

“You mean you’ll be taking steroids?”

“Kind of.  Its for therapy though.  It’s not the same way that athletes take it to be better.”

“Oh…… So you voice is going to be deep like mine?”

Eventually I sat him down at our lunch table and showed him videos of guys who had transitioned.  He was so amazed by the whole process he went around telling everyone I was going to have a voice as deep as his and that they should watch this video.  It’s a good thing I saved him for last.  Needless to say, I think he is one of my biggest supporters.  I’m fairly certain he is documenting my transition more than I am.

In Which We Conspire to Overthrow the System

Last night I went to my first real life gender chat.  I’ve never seen so many trans people in one place in my entire life.  Sometime you don’t realize how alone you feel until you no longer feel it. 

It was wonderful to be among so many people who could understand my feelings.  It was also amazing to be able to listen to so many of them speak. Many were about my age and discovering themselves, but some were older and had fought to truly make a difference in our lives. Being among such  mixed group really got me thinking about what I’ve done for my community.  There is so much happening that we consider ‘other’ because we ourselves are not involved.  My town recently faced a bathroom bill that literally would require a person to be IDed before entering the restroom.  It was dismissed and in all of my reading and following of the bill I never once thought ‘we’ beyond how it affected us as a group.  There was no ‘we’  when I thought about who was fighting to have this bill removed and there was no ‘we’ when I wonder what I can do to help my community.  Well this gender chat brought ‘we’ to me.  I met the people who fought for that and so much more.  They are the reason that I don’t have to be afraid in Florida like I had been in Mississippi.

It has made me rethink ‘we’ and ‘others.’  It’s not that I don’t want to pull my own weight or get my hands dirty, but that I associate a lot of what I read online as done by other people and that it has no involvement with me.  I’ve been lacking community this whole time.  Stepping foot into a room with real warm-blooded-breathing people made all of the difference.  I was looking at faces who just wanted a friend, at people who had fought their entire life to be seen with dignity.  That was beautiful to me and I had never wanted more than in that moment to be able to stand up for everyone of them and for everyone of the ‘other’ that can only be found on the internet.

I think that I forget behind the black and white pixels on my screen are people, much less people with similar wants and needs as me.  The internet has done so much for me in giving me more information and that is truly an important task.  For those of us coming from close minded home towns who see different as something to be ashamed of, the internet gave us a safe place to explore these thoughts, that everyone should be loved and no one should be shamed for being who they are, and gave us the ability to grow beyond stifling environments. 

At the end of the day, there is still something motivating about being admist people with the same goals.  I don’t feel as alone, I don’t feel isolated, and I don’t feel powerless.  There are people just like me who want to see the world change for a better place and they are real, and I’m not just once voice trying to rise among many.  It’s not New Years but I am making a resolution, I will put in footwork in my own town to make a difference and not just leave my story up on the internet in hopes that it will find someone who finds it moving.  Writing provides its own use and reaches its own crowd, but there is so much that I can do here to and no longer will I alot that to ‘others.’  ‘We’ will do it together, in person and online.

That Weird Moment Where Everyone Changes for the Best

There are times in my life where people really surprise me.  In some cases it shouldn’t and in some it seems life altering it’s so out of character.  Being trans really seems to magnify on these moments.

Whenever I sit down to write, I like to go to a little coffee shop called All Saints Cafe. It’s a cool little coffee shop I found a couple of years ago thanks to NanoWrimo, which is in the month of November and the goal is to write a novel in that time period. You get to share the experience with other aspiring writers, which creates a unique bond. Many of the local writer meetings are held at All Saints Cafe. One of the many wonderful things about this coffee shop is that it has always been a kind of all-inclusive place. Beyond making great coffee, they provide vegan and vegetarian food and even offer gluten-free options as often as possible. I had always liked them up till now, but a surprise, that honestly never should have been a surprise, made me come to love them even more. They made their bathrooms gender neutral. They are just one seaters and there was no reason to label them in the first place, and now the only label on them is the picture of a toilet.

It’s the most beautiful gesture in my opinion for a business or a group of people who claim to be an all-inclusive group to actually make accommodations that includes everyone. If that were their only kind deed, I’d think they were just good business people, but any time I go in and get my coffee, they greet me as a man. There are no weird stares or awkward pauses when I speak either and honestly the only way is pass if from behind on a dark night. Not only do I not have to make the decision to out myself when I need to use the bathroom, but I’m treated exactly how I present. It doesn’t take a lot of effort, but it means the world to me.

Then there are the moments at my own work place. I work in retail, which means I work with the public, a lot. Everday I meet people I’ll never see again, and I work with people that will come back to me once a week for help. It was really awkward the first day I started going by my new name. My coworkers were amazing and immediately put it to use. At first it was kind of like an inside joke and they all had a great time using it and now when they introduce me they really stress my name and my pronouns, just to make sure the customer heard them correctly the first time. It’s like working with my big siblings and they are just watching my back and laying out the fact that this is his name and this is all you will call him. I always knew I was working with great people, but it just really nails it home how much they actually care.

I think what was even more surprising is how confirming my customers have been for me. I know how I look, and I know I make people feel awkward when it comes to my name and pronouns, but they have all just taken it in stride. The first customer I was introduced to looked me straight in the eye and gave me a firm handshake and said,” It’s nice to meet you Beedubyou.” That was the first time someone had given me the same respect you’d give a guy and the first time I’d ever experienced a hand shake that wasn’t meant for a woman and unfortunately there is a difference. By the way, that is my biggest pet peeve. Women are very capable of a firm handshake and you won’t break their hand by actually performing the act properly and not a weak mimic.

Then I have customers who regardless of their religious beliefs still address me by my male name. I have one customer who has been coming to me since I started with my company a year and a half ago. Then I was still presenting female and went by my old name. I even had long flowy hair. I see him or a member of his family about once every three months. Every time they’ve seen me, my hair has gotten a little shorter and I appear a little more masculine, and they always tell me how nice I look. Recently he came in to see me; it was just him and he needed some help. Whenever he needs help, I can expect to spend a couple of hours with him at least, which isn’t ideal in sales, but they are always so good to me when they come I have never minded. This time I was very nervous. I had recently begun going by my male name and I knew how religious he and his family are and knew there was a chance I was going to lose him as a customer. However the only thing he had to say about it was,” You’re not going to change your name on me again are you? Because we don’t like going to anyone else and I almost didn’t find you this time.”

It was his attempt at a joke and his way of telling me that regardless of his beliefs that I as a person was more important. Well really the job I had done went beyond religious beliefs, but it was still a gesture I wasn’t expecting. I had prepared myself for pitchforks and riots, not the gentle confirmation of my gender by making sure to use my name. Working as a server and in retail jades you a bit and makes you bitter about people. You tend to see the worst of humanity and rarely the good, but sometimes people will surprise you even when it never should have been a surprise.

The Standard Horror Movie Scene

I have been on testosterone for sixteen days now.  Trust me, I’m counting.  The process to getting it was much harder than it honestly should have been.  My therapist Dr.St.Hillier and I had been seeing each other for 4 1/2 months before I ever even had an appointment to see and endocrinologist.  In most cases you would think it was my therapist who was holding me back from getting an appointment, but she actually was the one to ask me at a month and a half why I wasn’t already on testosterone to which I replied,” You haven’t given me a referral letter yet.”

She had apparently had a ‘dingbat moment.’  She completely forgot that she was my first therapist and we had yet to set any kind of appointment with an endo.  She made sure to correct her lapse in memory and sent a referral email to an endo she went to for her diabetes that had agreed to accept transgender patients she sent.  I was really excited and left the session breathless.  In my mind I’d be in the doctors office in just a couple of weeks, but then real life happened.

I made the call to North Florida Regional Thyroid Center.  When I informed them of why I was calling and that my therapist had sent a letter to the preferred doctor, I was shut down.  In fact imagine a small girl scout smiling up at you all excited to sell you girlscout cookies and you just slammed the door in her smiling face.  I was that little girl scout.  I was informed an emailed referral letter was unacceptable and that my therapist did not get to choose who I saw as the clinic belonged to the head doctor and she got to decide if she had time for me.  Also if I wanted to have an appointment, my therapist would have to fax in an official letter, because that’s more legitimate than an email, and the doctor had to decide if it was worthwhile to take me on as a client.  The receptionist, there is only one who is allowed to schedule appointments for two doctors, then proceeded to try to scare me away with cost.

I have a very specific insurance, anthem blue cross blue shield, which apparently covers quite a few things when it comes to trans related healthcare.  I had read up on all of this before attempting to make an appointment.  However when brought up by the receptionist I was informed that they would cover nothing.  I’ll admit I panicked because money is a major factor unfortunately, but I told her that I wanted to go ahead and schedule an appointment.  I would figure out the cost later.

I’m in another session with my therapist and she’s asking me when my appointment is to which I reply,” I don’t know.”  I had been informed the doctor had to think over whether or not she would take me on and I would get a phone call when she made a decision.  Dr. St. Hillier advised that I should call them and just check why it was taking so long, politely of course.  So I do.  Guess what they told me.  Dr.St.Hillier never sent in the letter.  Here is the one problem with that.  She designed her entire letter, header and all, during one of my sessions so I could have an input on what the letter said and what my official diagnosis would be.  I even watched her fax in the letter.  I called Dr. St. Hillier and told her the issue.

Two weeks later during my appointment with Dr.St.Hillier, we discussed my not upcoming appointment with the endo.  I reiterated what I was told, that she hadn’t faxed in the letter, and she told me that the receptionist had informed her I had declined treatment due to the cost.  I was livid and luckily Dr.St.Hillier saw my irritation.  She dialed the office on the spot and got in contact with the receptionist.  She informed her I was attempting to schedule an appointment and that I had not declined treatment.  She then asked if they had received her referral letter to which they responded, ” Yes ma’am.  We have it on file whenever she is ready.”

Keep in mind Dr.St.Hillier is doing all of this over speaker phone so I can hear everything.  She tells them I’m waiting for their call today so if they would be kind enough to go ahead and call me to set an appointment that would be great.  Well we continued on with the rest of our session just chatting away.  Our sessions tend to dissolve into just casual chatter which I greatly enjoy.  Close to fifteen minutes before the end of our session, we called them one more time.  We got through to the answering machine.  Dr.St.Hillier left a message letting them know that I was still waiting for a call.  Not ten minutes after I left her office I got a call from the receptionist.  She’s calling to set an appointment with me and Dr.St.Hillier had blown up her phone.  Doctors you know?  Read as the most exaggerated rolling of eyes a human can do without exploding eyeballs.  And would I kindly inform Dr.St.Hillier that she had set an appointment with me?

I’ll admit I was very excited.  I was also filled with this sense of justice that things had finally fallen into place and I could really begin my journey of changes.  I thought this was the worst thing I would experience.  I mean I was in, how much worse could it be?  I had been run around for two and a half months and scheduled with the wrong doctor, but I was in and Dr.St.Hillier had assured me the doctor I was seeing would be very sweet and treat me well.

Well I finally get to go in for my appointment and the staff are all very nice and deal surprisingly well with my chatty self.  No really I’ll talk your ear off. It’ll just leap off your head and run for silence.  I waited about 45 minutes during which I waited in a main room, then had my vitals checked and measured and weighed, and then waited some more in a smaller waiting room, and then waited even more in the room the doctor would see me in.  When I finally saw the doctor she was straight forward,” So you want hormone therapy for gender transition?”

I nodded and was suddenly struck with muteness, which is my luck.  I had just finished chatting her nurse to death.  She then asked me how long.  Like that’s not vague enough, I apparently answered incorrectly and she asked me how did I know I wanted to transition.  I hate this question.  I had been lucky enough to avoid it to this point.  I mean how do you really answer that?  I want a penis that’s how I know.  I should have just told her that I had all of these thoughts as a kid and always hated my body, and hated all things girly.  She may have been more accepting.  She then began to comment on my health.  I am overweight.  I know this, she knows this, anyone who sees me knows this.  I tell her I’m on a diet and I’m trying to lose weight, but I’ve just started.  She just nods and asks if I have any health problems.  The surprising answer to this is no not really.  I had my gallbladder out not to long ago but everything else is fine.  She couldn’t accept it and kept pushing.  “No, really, is there anything?  It’s ok you don’t have to hide anything.”  I informed her that I really am fairly healthy.  Apparently my blood pressure is a little high, not bad but not really good either.  So am I sure that I’m in good health?  Do I think I can keep up with someone my own age?  I’m not sure how I should have answered that because honestly how do you measure that?  Who do I compare myself to to give an equivalent answer?  I just looked at her like she was stupid and said, ” Uh, yeah.”

This is where my movie went from a moody drama to the worst kind of horror movie.  “We prefer to give hormones to people who have lived the lifestyle a little longer and you look very, um, androgynous.  You aren’t really wearing very masculine clothing.”

I may have gotten offended and said,” Look I’m tall and fat and men’s clothing wasn’t really designed to cover hips and breast much less hide it.  The only way I’m going to look like a man is through testosterone and surgery.”

I’m fairly certain she wasn’t expecting that outburst.  She just said, “Well then.  We need to do an exam.”  She had me sit on the examination table so she could check my “health”, because really a person as fat as me can’t be healthy.  She tries to listen to be breathing but can’t get under my binder.  I offered to removed it thinking she’d at least turn around while I took it off, but she watched the whole time.  I put my shirt back on after and I follow her orders of breathe in, now breath out.  Apparently my lungs sound surprisingly good for someone of my “shape.”  Finally we have to do a breast exam.  Just in case I had breast cancer.  I was actually cool with that.  I do regular exams and I think being aware of my health needs is only smart.  I lay down thinking she’s going to do the exam beneath my shirt.  She lifts my shirt under my chin and performs the breast exam.  There are many things wrong with this situation.  One as a trans patient I have body dysphoria and my breast are a bit of an issue for me, two I was a victim of rape and definitely dislike having parts of me exposed or touched without prior consent, and third it was the most unprofessional thing a doctor could ever do.  She literally dismissed my comfort and consent.  I left feeling violated and uncomfortable but with paperwork to get my labs done.

I did get my hormones two weeks later.  The office tells me that, surprise, my insurance covered everything.  They even covered the actual hormones much to my surprise.  The doctor made an ass of herself in front of her intern, and I only have to see her once every so often and I will tell everyone possible to not go to her.  But as alway we must look on the bright side of things and for me that is that I am sixteen days on hormones and well on my way.

A Really Cliche Beginning to a Not So Cliche Life

I am a transgender man who has been navigating transition for only a few months.  I am still very much at the beginning of everything.  I am also a writer and thanks to a writers’ accountability group I’m in I got the bright idea to record my experiences for myself and for any other person out there who is questioning aspects of their life or really just wants a good laugh, cry, or satisfying rant with me.

I started my transition around April of 2015.  I don’t actually know the day.  I was too busy freaking out over whether or not I was an even bigger weirdo.  Five years ago I came out to my family as a lesbian, and it went about as well as a brawl with a grizzly bear.  My mother and I didn’t speak for at least a year and a half and while my grandmother and I kept in touch our relationship changed for the worst.  Every Time I would call my nana she would tell me how she couldn’t wait to die because this world was so horrible.  Because, you know, it is horrible that people would love each other.

I was also in a very committed relationship at the time and while my partner constantly picked on me that I must have been secretly born a man and my mother just never told me, I was internally debating if that was a possibility.  And, of course, just like being gay, I wasn’t initially ok with being trans or even trans people.  I originally thought they were just confused people who couldn’t see beyond a gender construct.  It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact that someone might want more for their body, not just their dress or actions, that indicated the gender they felt.  It took me even longer to accept the things that I felt about my own body.  I was very lucky to have my wonderful partner with me all along the way, and even though she loves to pick, she always has and always will have my back.

When I finally accepted the fact that yes I am trans and yes I am a man, I panicked but then jumped into action.  I immediately started looking for a counselor to help me navigate my new life path, informed one of my managers who helped me contact HR, and broke the news to my partner.  It was actually in that order.  You would think I would tell my partner first, but I knew she would accept it and say ok whatever you need.  I wanted to get the scary things over with first. I look back now and am surprised how quickly I acted because I spent the whole time thinking that I would realize that this is just a phase or an attempt for attention or to be different.

My counselor was super, duper, unbelievably, undeniably, immeasurably awesome.  She is so awesome she actually deserved all of the adjectives and adverbs used to describe her.  She didn’t ask me what trans meant to me or what made me think I was trans.  She took my word and just asked me about life.  She didn’t hold me back from hormones or try and convince me to give my born gender another chance.  She simply told me how amazing I was and how brave I was to continue through with this even though I knew I’d lose my family.  In fact she is so wonderful, that if anyone in the Tallahassee, FL area is looking for a counselor to help them through the process I advise you look up Dr.Donna St.Hillier.  Also she has two wonderful dogs Cooper and Mesha who will greet you every time you come.  There is something about a dog greeting you at the door that just really makes you feel loved.

When I told my partner, she just said,” Really? I was right this whole time?”  Which is kind of a standard reply honestly when I tell her she is right.  She was a little apprehensive about all of the obstacles I would face and said as much.  She’s a firm believer that I am not careful enough. But the most beautiful thing she’s ever said to me was that regardless of what my gender was, or what lumps or bumps my body may have as long as I still shave my armpits she’d love me forever.  Those are possibly the most romantic words I’ve ever heard even now.

I think what has been the most surprising has been the reactions from my coworkers.  I’ll make another post of stupid things customers and coworkers say, but for now they deserve to be commended for just accepting it and going with the flow.  One day I’m just one of the resident lesbians and the next I’m their bro in the more literal sense.  I was nervous in the beginning and honestly thought I’d be ostracized by a few of my coworkers because of how deeply ingrained they are in their religion.  Imagine my shock when every single one of them started calling me by male pronouns and my new name immediately.  I have never felt so blessed as I have while transitioning.  It truly brings out the most surprising reactions from people youd least suspect.